The Islands & the River
In nineteen eighty-four, sewer workers found a live crocodile under the oldest bridge in Paris — she got a name, an enclosure decorated to look like the sewers, and a death certificate. A queen waiting for the guillotine got an escape plan smuggled into her cell inside a flower, and answered it by pricking holes in paper with a pin. And an army of carpenters just rebuilt a cathedral roof with hand axes — on purpose, because that's how the first crew did it eight hundred years ago. Two islands, one river, one ice cream shop so confident it closes for the summer. Most of what the Bad Historian tells you on this walk is true. Some of it he made up — you find out which at the end.
What You'll Experience
Plan your walk
Know the route before you buy
- Starts at
- Introduction
- Ends at
- The Reveal
- Walking plan
- 34 min · ~1.0 miles
- Schedule
- Start, pause, and resume anytime
Included in the app
- Professional narration
- GPS-triggered stops
- Downloadable tour audio
- Ask the Historian Q&A
- Optional end-of-tour reveal
- All 9 story stops
A taste of what you'll hear
9 stops, each with its own story. Here's a preview.
"You're standing a few steps from the spot where Paris began. Not the Eiffel Tower. Not the Louvre. A muddy island in a river, where a Celtic tribe pulled their boats ashore more than two thousand years ago. Everything else grew outward from here."
"See that Gothic spire rising out of the middle of the law courts? That's Sainte-Chapelle — a thirteenth-century jewel box parked inside a working courthouse."
"Alright. Two islands, one river, and if you did it right, one ice cream. Time to settle up — I told you I slipped a few inventions into the water. Let's fish them out. The crocodile. All of it."
Tour itinerary
Every stop on this walk
Explore the route before you go. Each stop has its own story preview, location details, and place in the larger tour.
- 11IntroductionYou're standing a few steps from the spot where Paris began. Not the Eiffel Tower. Not the Louvre.48.8570, 2.3414 Read this stop
- 22Pont NeufYou're on the Pont Neuf — the New Bridge, which is the oldest bridge in Paris. Four hundred years old and still called new.48.8570, 2.3414 Read this stop
- 33Square du Vert-GalantThis little triangle of green at the very tip of the island is the Square du Vert-Galant. The air is cooler down here, the river is close...48.8576, 2.3400 Read this stop
- 44The ConciergerieThose pale round towers with the witch-hat roofs, running along the river — that's the Conciergerie.48.8560, 2.3455 Read this stop
- 55Sainte-ChapelleSee that Gothic spire rising out of the middle of the law courts? That's Sainte-Chapelle — a thirteenth-century jewel box parked inside a...48.8554, 2.3450 Read this stop
- 66Notre-Dame CathedralThere she is. Notre-Dame de Paris. And notice the color — that stone is PALE. Almost glowing.48.8530, 2.3499 Read this stop
- 77Pont Saint-LouisThe flat gray footbridge between the two islands is the Pont Saint-Louis. Take a good look at it, because it is — and I say this with...48.8521, 2.3524 Read this stop
- 88Île Saint-Louis & BerthillonWelcome to the Île Saint-Louis. One main street, seventeenth-century townhouses, and — by design — no monuments, no museums, no big...48.8517, 2.3567 Read this stop
- 99The RevealAlright. Two islands, one river, and if you did it right, one ice cream. Time to settle up — I told you I slipped a few inventions into the...48.8517, 2.3567 Read this stop
Stories first
Every stop is built around people, conflict, ambition, and consequences—not a plaque read aloud.
Most of it is true. The extra mischief is just a wink at the end, but the story is what carries the walk.
Have questions? Just ask.
Curious about something you heard? Want to know more about a place? Ask us anything — we have a lot to say. It's more fun when it's a conversation.
Ready?
Download the app, head to the starting point, and press play. The stories start themselves.
Get the AppBefore you go
Quick answers
How much is this tour?
$9.99 as a one-time purchase in the iOS app. The Paris city pack is $14.99 and includes every currently available tour in the city.
Can I use it with spotty cell service?
Download the tour audio on Wi-Fi before leaving. Cached narration plays without streaming; map tiles and other online features may still need a connection.
Do I have to start at a specific time?
No. Start when it suits you, pause for a detour or meal, and resume later. Check the opening hours of any venue you personally plan to enter.
Are admission tickets included?
The purchase covers the Bad Historian audio experience. Transportation, food, and admission to third-party attractions are not included.
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A secret society that let themselves into the Panthéon after hours, built a hidden workshop under the dome with armchairs and a mini-bar, and spent a year fixing a national clock the government had ignored for forty years — the government sued them, and lost. Ernest Hemingway, too broke for lunch, catching pigeons in the Luxembourg Gardens and smuggling them home in his son's stroller. A bookshop owner with zero publishing experience who put out the most important novel of the twentieth century because every real publisher was afraid of it. And a bookstore where thirty thousand travelers have slept for free among the shelves — the rent is one page of your life story. Most of what the Bad Historian tells you on this walk is true. Some of it he made up — you find out which at the end.
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The Postcard Tour
A con man sold the Eiffel Tower for scrap metal — twice. A handyman stole the Mona Lisa, took a bus home, and kept it under his bed for two years. France traded Egypt a three-thousand-three-hundred-year-old obelisk for a clock that arrived broken and has never been fixed. A hundred and eighty thousand bees survived the Notre-Dame fire by gorging on honey and hugging their queen. Eight of the most photographed places on Earth, and the stories the postcards leave out. Eighty percent of what the Bad Historian tells you is documented history. Twenty percent he invented — you find out which at the end.
The Islands & the River
$9.99 · one-time